Sam Winchester: Royally Fked
by CxXxDarkWolf5xXxD
Summary: The many humourous adventures of Cas, Dean and Sam. Guest appearances from Gabriel and many other supernatural favourites. Dean/Cas with occasional appearances of Sam/Gabe. Story AKA Sam Winchester: Prophecy of the Chimichangas. Proceed at your own risk.
1. In which Cas is fairy

**Disclaimer:We own none of the recognisable characters, places OR objects. They all belong to someone else. This is not for profit, just for fun.**

**Title:** In Which Cas Is A Fairy, Sam Is Laughing, And Dean Loves Tights. (sort of.)  
**Authors: **darkwolf5 and her friend GlassBirdNoir  
**Rating: **Pg-13/15  
**Warnings:** swearing, crack, Castiel in a tutu.(Again alll GlassBirdNoir's fault :P)  
**Pairings/Characters: **Dean/Cas, Sam/Gabriel  
**A/N: **This is was bought into being when I mentioned another (serious) story I was writing, and it all got a bit out of hand. My friend is a bad influence on me. I'm slightly scared that we could come up with this, but all I can say is my friend made me laugh a lot when we were typing this up, and I hope you laugh a lot too!

**In Which Cas Is A Fairy, Sam Is Laughing, And Dean Loves Tights (Sort of).**

Sam is sitting at the motel table, laptop in front of him looking at a very dishevelled...Fairy. Ok. _That_ would require a little more caffeine in his blood to be dealt with.

"So ...you're a fairy?" Sam raised an eyebrow slightly, swallowing the mouthful of life-giving (cold) nectar.

"Yes." Castiel tilts his head to the side slightly, trying very carefully to ignore the sparkly wings stretching out behind him. Sam shrugged - He was used to weird shit like this with Gabriel hanging around sometimes. He was pretty sure if Dean found that out, Castiel would be one brother short.

"Awesome." He looks again at Cas. He sniggered slightly. "You should wear a tutu."

Castiel's frown deepened slightly, not noticing Dean stroll in through the door. The hunter walked past them and then stopped suddenly, staring at Cas, shock etched into his features. "Why would I...I see no reason why I would wear a tutu." The angel looked at the ceiling and gave up on questioning the human's logic.

"No fucking way. They can't be real."Dean nodded towards Castiel's wings. Castiel whipped round from his conversation with Sam, slightly nervous as to what his boyfriend's reaction would be. Dean notices Castiel's strangely nervous but very serious face and groans. "So...You're a fairy?"

"I am" It seemed humans repeated the obvious quite a lot too. Sam was trying in vain attempting to contain a fit of giggles threatening to overwhelm him at the look on Deans face.

"So, my boyfriend's now a fairy?" Dean repeats, because this is surreal. He swallowed trying carefully not to either freak out or burst out laughing. Or rip off Castiel's Holy Accountant trenchcoat, and start doing naughty, naughty things to the angel – Fairy? Whatever – Which would land him straight back in hell.

"I thought you kind of grasped that concept when you started dating..." Sam said, glancing up from his computer.

"Shut up Sammy." Dean glared at his brother who was weirdly unaffected by the situation. "Bitch."

"Jerk" Sam shot back carelessly, an automatic reaction more than anything else.

"I need a coffee, well something stronger actually, but _someone_ here doesn't like me drinking during the day." There was definitely an undertone of annoyance in Dean's words and he shot Castiel an angry look.

"Y'know what? That actually sounds like an alright idea." Sammy shut his laptop and shoved it back into his bag.

Dean looked around, either for his brother, who'd told them he'd meet them at Cas's favourite coffeehouse - Only an _angel _could choose a coffeehouse for its Goddamn 'atmosphere' instead of the coffee - Or the Punk'd crew he was sure had some kind of perverse sexual fascination with messing up his life.

They were sitting in a booth in the corner and Dean walked over freakishly nervously. He can't help it, the minute he sits down he just can't help it because this cannot be real.

"Y-you're a fairy." Castiel sighed, it was obviously not the way he had wanted to start the conversation.

"Dean, I have already told you, **yes I am**." Castiel stated firmly.

"But...Cas...You can't **REALLY** be...Did Sammy put you up to this?"

"I can assure you Samuel has put me up to nothing." Castiel's voice was slightly more frustrated this time, but Dean was never good with stuff quite this bizarre, which was stupid coming from a demon hunter.

"But a fairy? Really?" Dean should have seen it coming really but what happened next still shocked him.

Cas stood up, trench coat rippling around him. "Dean Winchester," he almost yelled, picking up decibels as he went along "Is there _nothing_ I say that you will believe? **FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM A FAIRY!!!**" Not by choice, but it was true.

At this point, a red-faced, panting Castiel looked up from his tirade to find the entire restaurant staring at him in expressions of shock ranging from either open-mouthed astonishment to cocked eyebrows, and to find his boyfriend supporting his collapsed head in his palms, groaning softly. And not in the good way.

As they were walking out of the restaurant, a tense silence fell between dean and Castiel, and they were too busy pointedly not looking at each other to notice someone sneaking up behind them. A fistful of pink glitter was thrown over them. A familiar voice yelled "Fairy dust!" As Dean and Cas turned, they caught sight of the blondish head moving rapidly away. Sam and His stupid fucking pranks.

Castiel blinked.

In a flash, Sam was naked in the middle of the crowded street. Dean quickly averted his gaze.

"I thought you weren't an angel anymore?" Dean was pretty sure that meant no more awesome angel tricks.

"Not angel powers," stated a solemn Castiel , raising his voice slightly to be heard over the shouts of:

"Ohmigod!", "Sicko!" and, of course "CAS! You **FUCKING...!"**

"But I do have Fairy "Mojo", as you term it"

Dean blinked.

"So...Your "fairy mojo" made my brother get naked?" Dean raises both eyebrows.

"That is correct" Castiel stated in a stupidly serious voice.

Five minutes later, Dean stopped laughing

A half-hour later, they bailed Sam out of prison for flashing.

"You know" stated Dean, hand placed gently over the ...Fairy's... trying to soothe Castiel, who was still annoyed at him for laughing about the whole thing. "I'd a thought it'd be you bailed out of prison for flashing"

Castiel stiffened, then turned in his seat, pulling his hand out of Dean's, one eyebrow raised in suppressed anger and frustration. The emotion of the day, his change in being, the embarrassment of losing his temper in the cafe, Dean's constant jokes about it, caught up with the new fairy and hit him like a train. (He missed his angellic emotional detachment in all honesty.)

"What?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"Well," Shrugged Dean nonchalantly, although, by his trembling shoulders and mouth, it was obvious he was trying not to laugh "You have the trench coat"

And that was why Dean showed up to collect his brother with a black eye. In retrospect he's lucky Cas didn't use his full strength, and he's not that bothered because he knows he can guilt trip Castiel about it for weeks, which means he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants. Including nicknames such as "Sparkly Love Slave" - Or Sam's suggestion, plain old "Tinkerbell".

Castiel is sitting in the motel when Gabriel turns up, Sam and Dean have both gone out to kill some creature or other, and Castiel is supposed to be out searching for God with his fairy "mojo".

"Whoa, Cas, see you've changed a lot since last time." Gabriel chuckles. "You gonna be wearing tights and a tutu next time I show up, 'cause if you are I want warning in advance."

"Why would I- never mind." Castiel looked at his hands.

"What's wrong lover boy, Deano still pissed at you for hitting him?" Gabriel is eating from a pack of chocolate M&Ms.

"I...yes in a way. Although I think he may just be using it as an excuse to get what he wishes for." Castiel glances up at his brother to see him smirking.

"I bet he does...Well, Tell Sam I popped by when he gets back, me and him have some unfinished business to attend to, if you get my drift." Gabriel pops another M&M into his mouth.

"No..."

"Jigginess?"

"What?"

"Horizontal shoe shuffle?"

"You like dancing?"

"The Beast With Two Backs?"

"You are on a hunting expedition?"

"Fucking?"

"Why are you swearing?"

"Sex?"

"...... Oh."

"Awesome. Guess I'll be seeing you around 'fairy princess'." Gabriel grins, winks, and leaves almost as suddenly as he arrived. Castiel contemplates the amount of involvement Gabriel has in his current dilemma and how much force and effort it would require to get turned back, and whether he should follow his and Sam's advice on the tutu..

Everything passes normally for about the next week, there are no more weird outbursts of anger from Castiel (Deans putting it down to angelic PMS or something), and Dean kind of gets used to Fairy!Cas. The good luck doesn't last long.

Sam walked into the motel room keys in one hand two coffees balanced carefully in the other, and looked up to find one of the most disturbing sights he had seen in all his years of hunting. The Most Disturbing Sight Ever. It could have won awards.

"Your hairy legs kind of clash with the tights, Cas" Sam smirks, looking any direction but Cas, because that really isn't an image he needs engraved in his brain.

Cas pouted. Actually goddamn pouted.

"Both you and Gabriel suggested I wear a Tutu. I simply took your advice. Was that incorrect?"

"Nah Cas...that's great, absolutely." Sam silently counted down the seconds to Dean's arrival, he was getting something out of the impala but that didn't exactly take long."Cas, do you really think the trench coat goes with the tutu?"

"I like the tutu. It makes me feel...." Castiel frowned then blushed looking away quickly.

"Pretty?" Sam has to hold in laughter.

"Yes." Sam doesn't succeed.

It was about this point when Dean finally walked in.

"Hello Dean." Castiel shot the hunter a warm smile. Dean froze eyes wide with shock.

"...!"

"Dean?" Castiel asked gently, slightly concerned by the silence, because it was hard enough to get Dean to shut up at the best of times, so it surely couldn't be a good thing he was silent now. Dean stood gaping like a fish for a couple of seconds before sighing throwing his arms up in a gesture of, ah what the fuck, weirder shit has happened.

"Y'know what, I just don't want to know." The hunter went to sit by Sam at the table and slumped into a chair, taking the other coffee Sam had taken inside for him.

Everything fell into an awkward silence, and Dean raised the coffee cup to his lips.

"A lighter shade of pink'd suit you better." Sam stated suddenly, and Dean's mouthful of coffee ends up half way across the room and all over Castiel. Sam's day, in his own opinion, just keeps getting better.

Castiel blinked.

"I think this outfit is not one that I should waste my magic on repairing." He says slowly, looking down over the tutu and tights. Castiel reached, shrugged out of his trench coat and laid it neatly on the bed, before starting to remove the rest of his outfit. This time Sam is shocked too.

"Err... wow...Cas, do you go to a gym?" Sam prayed silently that Cas was just going to remove the top half of his outfit and not go any further, but it seemed that Castiel still didn't have grip on what was and wasn't appropriate human behaviour, and Sam's amusement turns into a sort of fascinated horror.

"Wow, those tights really don't leave much to the imagination... "

"Nee...", says an articulate Dean

"Speaking of tight trousers, take a cold shower, Dean..." The younger brother's voice was slightly strangled ,as he got up and practically sprinted out of the hotel, mumbling something about brain bleach.

"I take it you like the tutu?" Castiel says, shooting a piercing stare at Dean through slightly narrowed eyes.

Dean licked his suddenly dry lips

"It's not the tutu; it's the sudden lack of clothing." He croaked rather weakly. It's half true ,because Castiel _is_ standing in the middle of the motel room almost completely naked.

Castiel looked at him with a look of 'Yes, right, of _course_ it's just the almost nakedness.'

"Ok so maybe it was the tutu..."Dean knows he's going to regret saying that for the rest of his life, especially when Gabriel chooses that moment to turn up. It does make Gabe decide to turn Castiel back into an angel though, so as to avoid further mental scarring.

**END**

**...OR IS IT...?**

"Shh..." Sam giggles as he unlocks the door, arm around his lover's waist.

"I don't see why we have to be quiet... I already _told _Cas about us..."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that Dean...Knows...?"

A few seconds later, two bodies hit the floor, at the sight of Dean and Castiel, their respective brothers, curled up on the floor, asleep – In matching tights, tutus and sparkly clip-on wings.

Please let me have amnesia, prayed Sam, in the tiny portion of his mind which hadn't already slipped into unconsciousness. Please, please let me have amnesia.

**THE END (For Real this time.)**


	2. Flatpack Furniture

**Disclaimer: We own nothing recognisable. This is not for profit.**

**Rating: **pg-15  
**Spoilers: **nope,none. (I still say everything aired though, just so y'know, safety first and all that)  
**Warnings:** Lots of innuendo/suggestion.  
**Pairings/Characters: **Dean/Cas, Sam.  
**Summary:** In which Cas is confused, Dean is horrified and embarrassed and Sam is amused but regrets it all later. (AKA Why Sam will never be able to look at flat-pack furniture again.)

**Flatpack furniture, and other banging noises.**

Sam was driving the impala, mainly because Dean was freakin' tired after the last hunt, (Which went surprisingly well, albeit with minor injuries) and was worried he would fall asleep at the wheel ,and cause all of their agonisingly painful deaths, which would be a really bad end to a kind of ok morning And although Dean would die with the one he loved the most (i.e, the Impala), he didn't want his last words to her to be "WhyBabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................*Splat*. He was quickly fixing the situation with a large cup of coffee and, hopefully he would be driving again soon.

"Sooooooo..." Sam said, breaking the silence that had fallen over the three of them. Cas, who was currently sitting in the back looking decidedly bored, if an angel could _get_ bored, raised an eyebrow slightly at the length of Sam's word.

"What?" Cas questioned, and Sam realised that now he actually had to think of something to say. He caught Dean glancing at Cas out of the corner of his eye, probably trying to start another one of those Olympic staring matches, and a thought popped into his head, yea, that would be funny.

"Sooooo.... _Cas-_sie Boy...You ever put tab A in Slot B?" So it was hardly an appropriate question, but Sam had very little else to do, and it was amusing to torture his brother, and get a few laughs out of the angel's occasional naiveté on certain subjects.

Dean, who had just taken a sip of scalding coffee, proceeded to snort it out of his nostrils, soak his jeans, and choke to death a little, head snapping round to stare at Sammy in a wide eyed 'what the fuck' look that had Sammy barely holding in laughter

Cas on the other hand just tilted his head in his usual manner, forehead creasing slightly in the centre, before saying: "What do you mean?"

Sam currently seemed oblivious to Dean's "bitch face (which he must have learnt from the younger Winchester himself because it was a damn good imitation) death glare combo of ultimate DOOOOOOOOM" (as dean would later come to call it in his own head.)

"You know.... Put the pedal to the metal... Got wood ...?" Sam said, feigning disinterest and pretending this was a totally normal conversation to be having, which only seemed to add to Castiel's confusion.

There was a long pause until Castiel finally said "....Assembled flat-pack furniture...?"

Dean made a choked noise, spitting out coffee over himself again, having cautiously taken a sip, deciding that nothing (Or no-one) could be weird enough to cause any real damage again, and fumbled with the cassette player so that "Highway To Hell" played _very_ loudly, drowning out the disturbing conversation.

Sam chuckled.

"Yea if you like" He shouted loudly and nonchalantly over the music.

"No." Castiel said simply before turning away to look out the window as if to say, this conversation has no purpose, shut up. Sam was finding it hard to take into any account that it was probably about the time to end the conversation now, and wondered whether that pretty girl at the cafe had slipped something into his drink.

"Oh...Well, Dean has MANY a time!" He turned to Dean waggling his eyebrows. "Maybe he could show you!"

"You know, it's been said I have a very itchy trigger finger." Dean ground out, throwing Sam his best "Stop now or I WILL kill you" look, letting his hand drift down to where his gun is in a totally threatening way that was _so_ most definitely not childish. The angel on the other hand seemed to be trying to decide whether Sam had some sort of mental illness, or whether he had hit his head causing serious damage.

"**He'd** be gentle." The younger brother continued, looking back at Cas, uncontainable glee splitting his face into a huge smile, even as his eyebrows bounced up and down like a pair of hyperactive caterpillars on a trampoline.

"I don't see how gentleness has anything to do with flat pack furniture." Castiel was giving Sam his best 'What the fuck is wrong with you' look after deciding it wasn't anything permanent or serious.

"Well I guess he wouldn't be if you asked. Wink wink." Sam inwardly winced. Ok, so maybe this was going too far because he was beginning to scar himself mentally, and permanently, in a way no amount of brain bleach could cure. And he was beginning to rival a Carry on film for sheer innuendo.

"Why are you saying 'wink' out loud when I can patently see you winking?"

"Uh..." Sam looked at Dean who was quite pointedly looking elsewhere.

Castiel appeared to take pity on the two Winchesters, Dean who by now was red-faced, fists clenched, and Sam, who appeared to be having some sort of eyebrow seizure.

"Well Dean, if you would like to show me how to assemble flat-pack furniture, I am sure we could make a stop at a furniture store." Said Castiel kindly.

"Nee." Replied an articulate Dean, even as Sam snorted.

"Even though of course I'd much prefer to fornicate."

**Epilogue.**

A very long awkward car journey later, Sam was sitting alone in a motel room listening (Or trying not to) to the noises that were coming from the next room. They were all the noises that one might expect to hear if someone was putting together flat pack furniture – Moaning, swearing, and the thump of furniture repeatedly hitting the wall. He groaned, trying to block out the sounds with his pillow, one thought crowding at the front of his mind: Fuck my life.

**The End (For Realz this time.)**

I hope you enjoyed the random, credit to GlassBirdNoir once again because she kicks ass. We came up with this idea sitting on the swings looking out over a park on a sunny day. Such is the randomness of our lives. (And our obsession with supernatural or maybe just Dean/Cas)


End file.
